Text types: Texts for fun & leisure

Jokes and riddles Back

Silly things which people have said in court

Most jokes and riddles have been invented, but sometimes people accidentally say things which we find funny.

Below are some silly things which people have supposedly said in court, word for word. They were copied down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

You might like to use some of these with more advanced students. They can be useful to focus on the sorts of things that can go wrong with communication. Ask students if they can explain what has gone wrong, and why they are funny.

You can find collections of these on the internet, some of which are perhaps too good to be true! Here is a sample:

Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Lawyer: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
Witness: We both do.
Lawyer: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August tenth?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Lawyer:

Can you describe the individual?

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Lawyer: All our responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer:

Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

Tell me more!

Why are jokes and riddles important?

Sample texts

Some riddles
Silly things which people have said in court
Classified ad bloopers
Headline bloopers

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